The Wait

The past five days or so have been a complete whirlwind of activity. First, I have to say that it's so frustrating to plan my life around ovulation. I intended to take a short day trip with some friends from my internship last summer and then realized that the trip would probably fall on or around ovulation. This led to some manipulation of my schedule so we could get in the requisite sexy time just in case.

So, the fun stuff:

On Thursday, I went to Connecticut with my friend/schoolmate Jeremy. We met up with our friend Jeff and his boyfriend Patrick to play trivia at a Yale bar. Second place? Not too shabby!

The meeting of the really, really, ridiculously good looking club--law school edition

Jeremy and I then continued on to Stamford to spend the night. We were waking up early the next morning to witness one of the most magical spectacles on television.

The Maury Show!

Because we are still in the closet to most of our friends about TTC, I tried to surreptitiously pee in a cup to do my testing. However, I totally botched temping and peeing because, ashamedly, I normally wake up much later than I did that day and so none of the temps worked and my monitor wasn't in the window where it would accept by daily pee stick.

BUT, I had better things to look forward to. We got to the show line at 8am on Friday morning and waited until around 10:30am before we were seated and the taping began. A lot of waiting around, but it was worth it. We taped segments from three different shows: a Cheaters segment (complete with Joey Greco, whom I adore), a lie detector episode, and a paternity episode. As I told my husband, it was a trifecta of entertainment.

I was NOT the father!

After stopping for breakfast/lunch and a full debrief of the delightfulness of our trip, Jeremy and I headed back to Cambridge. I was back for maybe 2 hours before Spyro came home and we headed back out--this time, to Syracuse to visit my sister and her family. My first born nephew's birthday was this past week, so we were going to celebrate his birthday and Easter (although not our Easter since Orthodox Christians celebrate a different day. So I get two Easters! Excuse to eat more Easter candy?). Five hours later, we were in Syracuse and I got to see my sister and her fiancé for a little bit before we headed for the hotel. 

On Saturday, we spent a whole day with my family. We dyed Easter eggs which was fun when having to watch the quick little hands of my two year old niece. My husband made dinner for everyone and I was reminded again how lucky I am to have such a great partner and such a considerate person in my life. It also melted my heart for the millionth time when I watched him with my niece and how great he is with her. She adores her Uncle 'Ro. I don't know what I'm going to do when we have a baby and I see what a great daddy he is. I think I'll spend all my time just in a puddle of melty Trishaness.

This is an older pic, but they're still so cute together!

On Easter, I met my sister's fiancé's family and we had a cookout. Of course, there were a TON of kids running around. His sisters commented several times that we were great with the kids and that we were obviously ready for kids and oh, by the way, do we want kids? The whole time I just gritted my teeth and smiled and said that we'd like to have kids "someday." I didn't elaborate that we'd hoped that "someday" would have been oh, two years ago.

In terms of TTC this weekend, it was just a hot mess. Besides the Friday morning disaster of temping and peeing, I'm pretty sure I missed my positive OPK on Friday afternoon because I was on the road and using a random bathroom. Spyro and I had to try to sneak in as much BDing as possible, which was hard after having such an exhausting few days. I *think* I felt myself ovulate on Sunday morning around 2am because I had terrible AF-like cramping that went away by the morning--and a corresponding thermal shift upward when I tested at 8:30am. This type of exaggerated O pain is similar to what I felt the first month I was on Clomid, so I hope that means I got a nice, big egg!

Now we're back in the 2ww and in addition to just really wanting a kid, I'm hoping this is our cycle because I don't want to have to do injects. The thought of getting shots freaks me the heck out! Yet, because of all the craziness around my O time, I can't help but not feel optimistic. On the other hand, maybe not being hopeful is good because I'm usually hopeful and then crushed? <-----this whole paragraph is a perfect example of how TTC drives you insane!

Flur-RE of Activity

This past weekend has been a whirlwind! When my RE agreed on Friday that I could be monitored by the hospital's facilities, he asked me to come in on Saturday for the ultrasound. The sign in time on the weekends is between 7-7:45am. For a night owl like me, that was pretty much the worst news possible. DH was kind enough to go with me for moral support since the idea of the dildo cam made me a little anxious. The ultrasound tech told me that she wasn't able to easily image my left ovary--it was behind my uterus, so she couldn't see if there were any follicles developing. When the nurse called later with the results, she mentioned that there were three reasonable sized follicles growing on my right ovary: two were measured at 14-by-something (the latter numbers I don't recall because I didn't write them down). She also mentioned my endometrial lining was at 4.4 mm, which concerned me a bit. The nurse didn't seem concerned, but she did ask me to return for reimaging on Monday. I was also informed later that day that my TSH levels that were tested on Friday were a bit high, so the doctor is putting me on a low dose (25 mcg) of Synthroid.

That evening, Spyro and I went to Progressive Formal, which is the social dance/party for the progressive law student group (although it's open to everyone).

My wonderful blowout got totally mangled by the humidity from all the sweating, dancing bodies in the room (including mine). If I had to sacrifice my blowout to be able to teach the group how to Dougie, it was worth it! We went to a local bar afterward to hang out with friends, then home way too late for someone who woke up so early that day!

On Sunday, we had the pleasure of going to the first birthday party of one of the sweetest little boys I know. I met his parents through the law school's couples association--his dad is one of my classmates and his mom was president of the organization. He is such a no fuss baby--rarely cries, gets along with everyone, usually smiling. I only pray I have a baby like that!

Happy birthday, Evan!

After our busy weekend, we went back this morning for reimaging. Waking up before 6am is definitely not my idea of a good time. Even more so because I am using a Clear Blue Fertility Monitor, which requires I POAS and put it into the monitor within a 6 hour time span that I set at the beginning of the cycle. The earliest I can do it is 7:30am, which meant that I had to PIAC and leave it on my bathroom counter until I got home. I know, gross. Squicky gross. The things we do for TTC.

Luckily today, the tech was able to image my left ovary. The nurse called and said that of the three follicles that were growing in my right ovary, the smaller two were no longer of viable size. But the larger follicle is now 20x19 mm. And my left ovary has a follicle that is now at 19x12mm. My lining thickened from 4.4mm to 5.1mm in just two days. Still no sign of ovulating yet since my OPKs are stark white, but I'm hoping that all the vitamins and other craziness will lead to the cushiest possible environment for this egg.

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend too. For those who are going through treatments, where are you at in the process?

First RE Appointment!

I was SO NERVOUS this morning before my RE appointment. It wasn't so much about meeting him as it was nervousness about actually liking him, whether I'd trust him to help us conceive, etc.

I got there 15 minutes early, then went in to have my vitals taken. I then waited for about 20 minutes or so after my appointment time and we were taken back to Dr. A. I explained by history to him, showed him my records, and waited to hear what he had to say. I actually learned a lot from him!

First, the doc put me at ease by looking at the image of my HSG from November. He showed me my uterus and said it was a "textbook" uterus, then said "It could be on the cover of a uterus magazine!" From that point, I cracked up and knew that I felt very comfortable with him.

In terms of potential issues, he noted that my FSH was high. Although it's well within the normal ranges that doctors recommend, while TTC, it should be below 2.5. My test showed a 2.75. This was about a year ago though, so I went for another test. We'll see what happens with that. We also discussed my past Clomid cycles and my current Clomid cycle. He is willing to start working with me now, so I get to wake up super early tomorrow to get a follicle scan ultrasound. We will see how well they are developing.

If this cycle doesn't work, my next step is to get another CD 3 test done. Well, I should say, get it done for the first time. When I was in the middle of an anovulatory cycle last year, the doctor had me do a panel that included the traditional CD 3 tests like estradiol and FSH. It's slightly annoying because after my first BFN cycle of Clomid, I asked my doctor if I should do a real set of CD 3 tests, since the last ones weren't technically on the right date. He pooh-poohed it and said it wasn't necessary. Dr. A disagrees. He did also mention that he didn't like using more than three rounds of Clomid, so because this is my third, my options are a bit more limited. He did say that we could try and use injects+IUI next cycle which would be fine with me, but my infertility coverage SUCKS. I only get a $5,000 yearly benefit which is definitely more than some people get, but sadly, it doesn't seem to be enough. Dr. A said that the IUI costs about $1000 with everything but meds included. However, when I include injects, he said the cost of those is like, $3,000. That seemed SUPER high to me, but I am not the professional! (Though, I did do some research with online pharmacies and the cost seems to be much lower than he anticipated, based on the number of days/amount of injects I'd need). If I can get the drugs for substantially cheaper, we could probably squeeze in two IUI cycles with injects, even if I had to pay a bit out of pocket. When I asked about the possibility of doing IUI+Femara, he said he doesn't like to use Femara because it doesn't have necessarily better results than Clomid, and he prefers to go straight to the needles.

All in all, I am happy with him. He seems like a great doctor and was awesome in answering my questions and making me feel at ease. I think that he could actually help us get pregnant, which is an amazing feeling to have. I am so hopeful for our reproductive future!

Open Letter to Dr. Girard

Dear Dr. Girard,

I thank you so much for taking the time to see me around March 2011. I know you're busy, so fitting me in 30-45 minutes after my appointment time was quite generous of you. And the fact that you spent a whole 7 minutes in the room with me felt very luxurious--I'm so spoiled!

I am writing now because I wanted to let you know how delighted I was to be reviewing my medical records the other day and learn that you think I have PCOS, especially since you never mentioned that to me. Since I am on unmedicated Clomid cycles, other doctors might be worried that the patient would develop cysts instead of follicles. Clearly those doctors just don't have confidence in their patient's ovaries like you have in mine! Surely I have nothing to worry about! And really, a disorder affecting one's ovaries isn't important to discuss when one goes to visit the doctor about issues regarding TTC, so I'm glad you didn't clutter my tiny non-doctor brain with all that information.

Hugs and kisses,
Trisha

Taking Charge of My Fertility

I took charge of my fertility and great things are happening for me in the past few days.

First, I called my current OBGYN on Monday morning to let him know I had started my period and to check in to see what dose of Clomid I should be taking. I strongly believed that I should be on 100mg even though the doc insisted that I had ovulated with 50mg. A low progesterone number like I've had the past two cycles (7.2 and 8.0, respectively) doesn't seem to jibe with ovulation or at least a strong ovulation. The OBGYN nurse told me he was on vacation and hadn't left any orders about possibly upping my dosage. LULZ. Seriously, dude? You just went on vacation and didn't bother thinking about the patient who you are pumping full of hormones? Luckily the OBGYN nurse is very sweet and had another doc review my file. Boom, 100 mg of Clomid obtained on Tuesday.

The Chief of Medicine at the student health clinic reviewed my file on Tuesday morning and agreed I should visit a RE. Since I thought that's what they would say, I had already scheduled a RE appointment for next Friday (the first one available for a new patient).

My husband had a urology appointment yesterday to review his SA and ultrasound. The first appointment, we waited for more than an hour past his appointment time. This time, I had to get to class at 5pm (his appointment was at 3:45 and the hospital is a 5 minute drive from school). We walk in to find a packed waiting room and were told he wouldn't be seen until 5:30 or so. Thanks for the phone call heads up. I went OFF on the person . . . and I can't even blame it on the Clomid Crazies, just total frustration with an inefficient office. I think my pissy mood made them just give me a copy of the SA results so I can take those to the RE and hubby can go back and meet with the doc on a different date.

(As a random aside, I hate to be all TMI, but I was really impressed with hubby's SA. Very good volume and numbers. But holy crap, FANTASTIC motility. It was over 80%! I was impressed by that. The only think we have to work on is the morphology since that was about 33%. Given the high number of actual sperm and the ridiculously high motility, I'm sure the doc isn't worried about the morph. But I personally would like to see it higher)

So, 9 days until my RE appointment and I don't know all the questions I should ask. For those who have visited with an RE before, what are the kinds of things you wish you knew or the questions that you're glad you asked?

I spoke to the RE nurse this morning

Patience is a Virtue

I'm linking up with Kelly's Korner today for Show Us Your Life - Suffering with Infertility.  To new readers: welcome! This will be a quick recap of our TTC journey thus far.

My husband Spyro and I have been together for nearly ten years and married for nearly five. I knew I always wanted two kids and my grand life plan when I was a kid was to get married by 26 years old, have my first child at 29, and my second child at 32. Well, I hit the marriage age perfectly, so I thought it would be easy to hit the kid targets too. Plus, my sister only seems to need to look at her boyfriend and she gets pregnant, so I thought I'd have no problem getting there too.

We started trying to conceive by not trying at all. I stopped taking birth control and we didn't prevent at all. We thought that it would just happen easily and naturally. After several years of casually trying, I stopped ovulating. I thought that it was related to life stresses at the time because I had had regular cycles previously--although I had been taking birth control for six years.

Just before my 30th birthday, I went to an OBGYN who said that everything was otherwise fine with me--and then prescribed me Provera to induce menstruation--I thought that I would just start ovulating again. That didn't happen. In August 2011, my husband and I went on vacation to Greece. While there, I had my first spontaneous period in a year. I thought that meant I was fully regulated and ready. We kept trying, but after two months of spontaneous periods, I stopped ovulating again and stopped menstruating.

In November 2011, I had an HSG which, contrary to other claims I've read online, was one of the worst experiences of my life! Perhaps it was because I felt exposed and vulnerable? The HSG showed that my tubes were clear and my uterus was "beautiful" (according to the doctor). No cysts on my ovaries. Nothing that should stop me from ovulating or getting pregnant. My doctor then prescribed Clomid to induce ovulation.

After two months of taking Clomid (unmonitored), we have yet to get a BFP. I know I have other issues, but the doctor insists on only treating me with Clomid without looking at other potential causes like hypothyroidism or anything else. I'm now fighting to try to get a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist and at least get in a few cycles of treatment with a specialist before my insurance coverage ends at the end of July and I face an infertility treatment gap until I start working for my law firm.

I often question why a couple like us who has so much love to give has struggled with infertility. It brings tears to my eyes quite often because I feel as if I am letting my husband down. All I can think is that I am learning a very valuable lesson in patience. Granted, I still want to get pregnant quickly, but this process has taught me to slow down, to prepare myself better, to look at the smaller things and be grateful for those things, and hopefully that means that I will one day be an even better mother! I wish you all the very best of luck on your TTC journey and pray that you are blessed with the child(ren) you desire.

Cycle 13, 8DPO

I love my friends with all my heart.  Truly, I do.  I have some of the greatest, most wonderful people in my life.  The hard part is that a good number of them are either pregnant or have recently given birth.  This means that my Facebook feed is flooded by my beautiful girl friends and their little baby bumps or pictures of their sweet faced newborns.  Even harder still is that one of my pregnant friends just got married in September, so this is a honeymoon baby.  While I am excited for all of them and their families for the pregnancies and newborns, it is so hard to see all these pictures and not feel sad or disappointed.  I feel like I have failed myself, my family, and my husband by not yet getting pregnant.  Part of me wonders if I will ever get pregnant.  I try to keep a positive outlook publicly and with my husband, but the insecurities and fears weigh heavy on my mind.  To paraphrase the immortal basketball coach Steve Lavin, I want to be better, not bitter.  But the best I can do right now is just to scroll past the pictures without commenting because the pictures just remind me of the disappointment I feel every month.

What makes this harder is that I am impatient.  I like to know how things end.  I am used to being successful.  I'm the kind of person who starts reading a mystery novel, then flips to the end to see what happens because I can't stand the suspense of waiting.  I even started Googling yesterday for reputable Boston-area psychics.  It's the personal version of flipping through the book (of life), I guess!

In other news, Friday is my birthday.  Hoping I have a wonderful present to share!

Leggo My Eggo

Today is CD 22, so I took a quick trip to the doctor's office for a blood draw.  I even made sure to wait until 7 days past ovulation (or at least ovulation as detected by my OPKs and Fertility Friend) to go.  Of course my doctor forgot to put in the order, but luckily that was cleared up fairly quickly.  The blood draw is to test for my progesterone levels--although my doctor was not clear about what number I needed to see to ensure my progesterone levels are high enough, I am hoping he'll actually not be a flake and follow through.  I guess this is the downside for not using a RE and just going through an OB/GYN for now.  From scouring FF, I think that the number should be 15+ to mean ovulation, but like I said, it's a mystery.

Although I try to donate blood semi-regularly (at least I did when I was in California), I usually seem have the hardest veins to find.  Usually they poke and dig the needle around which makes me bat shit crazy.  Occasionally they will try both arms, which leaves me with colored tape wrapped around both elbows, looking like a missing member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Sing praises that the woman who did my draw today was a miracle worker.  She got me on the first stick and I was out of the chair within a minute.  It was even better when another woman came into the room to get her baby son's blood drawn and he was a cute little rosy-cheeked sweetheart.  It just reminded me why I'm going through the cramps and the hormone roller coaster and the no drinking and everything else.

Most importantly, I hope that the blood draw reveals that I actually *did* ovulate this month.  That would be an important milestone and half the battle in my uterus!

I Stand With Planned Parenthood

I learned today that the Susan G. Komen Foundation pulled their funding of Planned Parenthood where the grant provided hundreds of thousands of low income women with breast examinations and mammogram referrals.  While Komen argues that the defunding was not political and was done in response to the investigation of Planned Parenthood, I think it's pretextual bullshit brought into effect by an anti-abortion leader within the Komen Foundation.

Don't get me wrong . . . I think abortion is sad.  It's sad for all parties involved and I can't think of a single person who has made that decision lightly.  Nor do people forget about the abortion quickly.  It's sad for someone like me who wants nothing more than to be a mother and seemingly can't get pregnant.  That said, I cannot fathom ever trying to take charge of a woman's uterus and tell her what she should do with her pregnancy (in the same way as I don't want anyone telling me what I should do . . . indeed, many anti abortionists are also anti-reproductive technology).

So, no more breast cancer awareness items will be purchased in my house.  Instead, my husband and I have made the decision to start donating money to Planned Parenthood to try and help make up for the shortfall.  While I recognize that there shouldn't have to be any shortfall to make up, it's just my way of putting my money where my mouth is when it comes to reproductive choice.

IF Anthem

Preachy, anti-abortion messaging aside, this video reduced me to tears today.  My struggle to get pregnant in no way invalidates someone else's choice or obligates them to give their baby up for adoption.  However, given that . . . pass me the Kleenex.