Happy (?) Birthday to Me!

Today is my 31st birthday. Even though I knew I'd have a BFN today at 10 DPO (since I may or may not have been testing since 7DPO), I tested anyway. Sure enough, BFN. It was also unsurprising because I got the results of my 7DPO progesterone test. It was an 8. Given that the progesterone level should be 15+, last month's 7.2 and this month's 8 are a cause for concern for me. Although the number is consistent with ovulation, it is not what it should be for a healthy pregnancy. When I brought this up to my OB/GYN last cycle, he dismissed me and dismissed the fact that I had consulted sources through Dr. Google. He also refused to give me progesterone supplements. Obviously not the ideal relationship to have with your OB/GYN, but this is what happens when you are stuck with student health centers while in grad school.

This cycle's BFN after promising symptoms earlier this week (a cold starting 2DPO that I thought was a sign of Early Pregnancy Factor, bizarre breast and nipple pain that lasted for almost a whole day, high temps, etc), hit me like a ton of bricks. And I realized that who knows--maybe I could have had a fertilized egg that just didn't implant because of my shitty progesterone level? This, combined with my frustration with the process led me to take action to advocate on my own behalf.

Yesterday, I called to schedule an appointment with the Patient Advocate at the health center. During my appointment with her this morning, I discussed the problems I have with the treatment I've been given. First and foremost, I am being given Clomid unmonitored: no ultrasounds, no real bloodwork other than the progesterone tests (which I had to push for), etc. We have no idea how many follicles I am producing, what the quality of those follicles is, what my lining looks like (particularly because Clomid messes with your uterine lining), or any other important information. Given that the number of Clomid cycles one can take is limited, it is frustrating that this doctor is forcing me to do three Clomid cycles with him before he will give me a referral. The Patient Advocate listened, then said she would refer my file to the Chief of Medicine to see about getting me a referral. But importantly, she also mentioned benefits that I did not know I had. Namely, I could have already self-referred to a reproductive endocrinologist because I am allowed three visits without a referral. So, I could already go, but a referral would make things much easier (and not limit the number of visits). Second, the infertility benefit for our insurance is $5000. I couldn't do IVF with that benefit (if it comes to that), but certainly we could do an IUI or even just get me the fucking progesterone supplements that I want. Or a doctor who knows what hormonal testing to do and what to look for.

So, after spending basically all day yesterday crying and being depressed, today brings a little more hope for the future. That perhaps by my next birthday, I will be holding a precious baby in my arms. I prayed yesterday several times. First, I had to apologize for only asking for things all the time! But I prayed that even if I could not be pregnant this cycle, that He would help me have clarity in finding out what I need to do to be ready to be a mother. And it seems my prayers were answered today with the Patient Advocate.

Eggsplain Yo'self!

So, our first Clomid cycle was a failure.  The only positive point I could find was that I went from not ovulating to ovulating.  OK, that's actually a huge positive point.  I should be happy.  But I was upset that our cycle didn't work.  It's really hard when someone is an overachiever in every other part of life except the point where it comes time to make babies.  The doctor kept me on 50 mg of Clomid since I responded the first time.  His idea was that I should take the least amount of medication possible and I suppose that's about right.

After our first failed Clomid cycle, I assumed that I would just keep doing the same thing I did during the previous cycle and everything would repeat--of course, with the hope that we'd catch the egg this time!  Everything was fine for me until CD 15 hit and my OPK showed stark white negative, I started to internally freak out.  Between CD 15-18, I was increasingly worried.  In retrospect, it's only a span of 5 days, but it felt like much longer!  I thought that my doctor messed up in repeating the 50 mg dosage of Clomid.  I started worrying that all my positive thinking, my giving up caffeine/soda for Lent, my taking vitamins and drinking more water was all for nothing.

You see where this is going, right?  After all my freaking out and pouting and crying, I finally got a positive OPK this morning.  Should ovulate today or tomorrow and then the 2WW awaits.  Hoping that March is our month and we are blessed with a little shamrock.  What a beautiful birthday present that would be for me!

IF Anthem

Preachy, anti-abortion messaging aside, this video reduced me to tears today.  My struggle to get pregnant in no way invalidates someone else's choice or obligates them to give their baby up for adoption.  However, given that . . . pass me the Kleenex.