After a 17-ish day long luteal phase and numerous BFNs, AF showed her ugly head. It's easy to be distraught about this and trust me, normally I would be. But this month, I'm actually feeling OK about not conceiving. This is my first spontaneous period since September 2011 and only the fourth one in the past 13 months. I guess this means that Clomid is working for me, even on the lowest dose. That is a tremendous relief!
Now on to Cycle 2 of Clomid. I should find out whether I'm knocked up or not right around my birthday. What an amazing gift that would be! But for now, I will pop muscle relaxers and Aleve and remind myself of the silver lining in actually getting a period, which may help me smile through the pain.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Womp Womp
Woke up this morning and my temp was high again. As in, even above my raised post-ovulation temps. I jumped the gun and tested, even though it's only 9DPO. Negative. Telling myself that it's still early won't work. My mood officially went from hopeful to depressed in a few short minutes.
There goes my day . . . .
There goes my day . . . .
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
My Mind is Playin' Tricks on Me
I hate the 2WW (aka 2 week window, aka the two weeks between ovulation and menstruation (or, hopefully not!) because I talk myself into having every possible symptom. Weird flutter in my stomach? Must mean I'm pregnant! Feeling bloated? Has to be a sign of pregnancy! I never consider that the flutters could be anxiety and nervousness about getting pregnant. I don't stop to think that the bloating could be related to eating salty tortilla chips/totally unhealthy Super Bowl nachos. And there is a website that feeds my obsession: Fertility Friend. That site is both the best and worst thing to happen to our TTC journey because I spend HOURS combing through other people's charts in the gallery to figure out if mine looks anything like theirs and what that might possibly mean for me. I let it affect my mood--if my chart mostly resembles ovulatory charts, I get grumpy; if it mostly resembles pregnancy charts, I become hopeful.
It is CD 23 (8 days past ovulation (DPO)) and the wait until I can test seems unending. Given my big temp increase from when I got a positive OPK, it seems as if I probably ovulated this cycle--of course, the official word will come when I get the results of my progesterone test. Fingers crossed all the way around. I don't know if I can hold out until Valentine's Day to test (assuming that the progesterone test confirms ovulation) because that would put me at CD 30 and 15 DPO, but I am so hopeful for a positive result.
It is CD 23 (8 days past ovulation (DPO)) and the wait until I can test seems unending. Given my big temp increase from when I got a positive OPK, it seems as if I probably ovulated this cycle--of course, the official word will come when I get the results of my progesterone test. Fingers crossed all the way around. I don't know if I can hold out until Valentine's Day to test (assuming that the progesterone test confirms ovulation) because that would put me at CD 30 and 15 DPO, but I am so hopeful for a positive result.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Leggo My Eggo
Today is CD 22, so I took a quick trip to the doctor's office for a blood draw. I even made sure to wait until 7 days past ovulation (or at least ovulation as detected by my OPKs and Fertility Friend) to go. Of course my doctor forgot to put in the order, but luckily that was cleared up fairly quickly. The blood draw is to test for my progesterone levels--although my doctor was not clear about what number I needed to see to ensure my progesterone levels are high enough, I am hoping he'll actually not be a flake and follow through. I guess this is the downside for not using a RE and just going through an OB/GYN for now. From scouring FF, I think that the number should be 15+ to mean ovulation, but like I said, it's a mystery.
Although I try to donate blood semi-regularly (at least I did when I was in California), I usually seem have the hardest veins to find. Usually they poke and dig the needle around which makes me bat shit crazy. Occasionally they will try both arms, which leaves me with colored tape wrapped around both elbows, looking like a missing member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sing praises that the woman who did my draw today was a miracle worker. She got me on the first stick and I was out of the chair within a minute. It was even better when another woman came into the room to get her baby son's blood drawn and he was a cute little rosy-cheeked sweetheart. It just reminded me why I'm going through the cramps and the hormone roller coaster and the no drinking and everything else.
Most importantly, I hope that the blood draw reveals that I actually *did* ovulate this month. That would be an important milestone and half the battle in my uterus!
Although I try to donate blood semi-regularly (at least I did when I was in California), I usually seem have the hardest veins to find. Usually they poke and dig the needle around which makes me bat shit crazy. Occasionally they will try both arms, which leaves me with colored tape wrapped around both elbows, looking like a missing member of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Sing praises that the woman who did my draw today was a miracle worker. She got me on the first stick and I was out of the chair within a minute. It was even better when another woman came into the room to get her baby son's blood drawn and he was a cute little rosy-cheeked sweetheart. It just reminded me why I'm going through the cramps and the hormone roller coaster and the no drinking and everything else.
Most importantly, I hope that the blood draw reveals that I actually *did* ovulate this month. That would be an important milestone and half the battle in my uterus!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Exciting News!
The other day, I was thrilled to receive word that I had an offer to publish a paper I had written for a course in a law journal. I submitted the article on a whim, knowing that it was late in the publication process, but hoping that some journal would take a chance. Today, I was even more excited to learn that I received my second offer--two offers when really, I should have sent out this paper about two months ago.
I always doubt myself and my abilities, but it seems like I keep getting proved wrong (in the best possible way)! It's never too late and you're never out of the game . . . two lessons I should remember in my own IF journey. I should never count myself out. I have already accomplished more than I dreamed when I was a child and knowing that gives me just a little bit more strength when dealing with each TTC cycle.
I always doubt myself and my abilities, but it seems like I keep getting proved wrong (in the best possible way)! It's never too late and you're never out of the game . . . two lessons I should remember in my own IF journey. I should never count myself out. I have already accomplished more than I dreamed when I was a child and knowing that gives me just a little bit more strength when dealing with each TTC cycle.
I Stand With Planned Parenthood
I learned today that the Susan G. Komen Foundation pulled their funding of Planned Parenthood where the grant provided hundreds of thousands of low income women with breast examinations and mammogram referrals. While Komen argues that the defunding was not political and was done in response to the investigation of Planned Parenthood, I think it's pretextual bullshit brought into effect by an anti-abortion leader within the Komen Foundation.
Don't get me wrong . . . I think abortion is sad. It's sad for all parties involved and I can't think of a single person who has made that decision lightly. Nor do people forget about the abortion quickly. It's sad for someone like me who wants nothing more than to be a mother and seemingly can't get pregnant. That said, I cannot fathom ever trying to take charge of a woman's uterus and tell her what she should do with her pregnancy (in the same way as I don't want anyone telling me what I should do . . . indeed, many anti abortionists are also anti-reproductive technology).
So, no more breast cancer awareness items will be purchased in my house. Instead, my husband and I have made the decision to start donating money to Planned Parenthood to try and help make up for the shortfall. While I recognize that there shouldn't have to be any shortfall to make up, it's just my way of putting my money where my mouth is when it comes to reproductive choice.
Don't get me wrong . . . I think abortion is sad. It's sad for all parties involved and I can't think of a single person who has made that decision lightly. Nor do people forget about the abortion quickly. It's sad for someone like me who wants nothing more than to be a mother and seemingly can't get pregnant. That said, I cannot fathom ever trying to take charge of a woman's uterus and tell her what she should do with her pregnancy (in the same way as I don't want anyone telling me what I should do . . . indeed, many anti abortionists are also anti-reproductive technology).
So, no more breast cancer awareness items will be purchased in my house. Instead, my husband and I have made the decision to start donating money to Planned Parenthood to try and help make up for the shortfall. While I recognize that there shouldn't have to be any shortfall to make up, it's just my way of putting my money where my mouth is when it comes to reproductive choice.
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