I love my friends with all my heart. Truly, I do. I have some of the greatest, most wonderful people in my life. The hard part is that a good number of them are either pregnant or have recently given birth. This means that my Facebook feed is flooded by my beautiful girl friends and their little baby bumps or pictures of their sweet faced newborns. Even harder still is that one of my pregnant friends just got married in September, so this is a honeymoon baby. While I am excited for all of them and their families for the pregnancies and newborns, it is so hard to see all these pictures and not feel sad or disappointed. I feel like I have failed myself, my family, and my husband by not yet getting pregnant. Part of me wonders if I will ever get pregnant. I try to keep a positive outlook publicly and with my husband, but the insecurities and fears weigh heavy on my mind. To paraphrase the immortal basketball coach Steve Lavin, I want to be better, not bitter. But the best I can do right now is just to scroll past the pictures without commenting because the pictures just remind me of the disappointment I feel every month.
What makes this harder is that I am impatient. I like to know how things end. I am used to being successful. I'm the kind of person who starts reading a mystery novel, then flips to the end to see what happens because I can't stand the suspense of waiting. I even started Googling yesterday for reputable Boston-area psychics. It's the personal version of flipping through the book (of life), I guess!
In other news, Friday is my birthday. Hoping I have a wonderful present to share!
You need a buddy. I was trying to think of the right adjective, but none seem to really fit. I was a "buddy" for my best friend for years. We weren't trying and it seemed like everyone around her was. And we were on the same cycle. So every month, I knew when to expect the call. And every new announcement I was there to hear her out without her having to fear I'd be joining the ranks. It's hard to see everyone else get something you want so badly. And no one has the answers you want. And most can't understand the mental struggles that come with the territory.
ReplyDeleteAfter 18 months and a round (or two?) of IUI she finally was able to get what she wanted. I have the utmost faith it will happen for you too, and my hope is that your wait won't be as long.
I know how you feel. I SO impatient! I'd love to say this has taught me to be patient, but it hasn't lol. I want everything yesterday, so this is incredibly frustrating for me. I also have several FB friends that are pregnant, thats why started my TTC/infertility FB, so I could surround myself with those who understand and even when they get pregnant, they still "get it".
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